Canada, Mexico closing borders to U.S. refugees

Leaders of Canada and Mexico announced plans to close their borders with the U.S. to stem the historic flow of American refugees fleeing Donald Trump’s impending return to the White House.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and President Claudia Sheinbaum announced at a joint press conference that they would immediately deport Americans who crossed their borders illegally. They said the Americans would take jobs and other valuable resources from citizens and therefore must be ousted.

“The gringos come to Mexico seeking jobs, welfare, affordably groceries and cheap housing,” said Sheinbaum, who was elected Mexico’s first woman president in 2024. “It is unfair to Mexicans that these hordes of undocumented Americans should steal the resources available in our country.”

Trudeau sounded a similar alarm. “The Americans swarming up from the south are clamoring for universal health care and inexpensive medications and are overwhelming our hospitals. I toured one facility and saw several patients from Florida walking the halls in those backless hospital gowns, and it was not pretty.”

Mobs started flowing across the borders in the weeks after Donald Trump won the 2024 presidential election. Many told reporters they hoped they would be able to enjoy Thanksgiving in safety outside of American jurisdiction.

“We posted pro-Biden memes on Facebook and Instagram, and we have already been warned that Trump is sending his goons after us on January 20 as soon as he is inaugurated,” said one teenager who requested anonymity for herself and her family. The girl was busily sewing maple leaf patches onto the shoulders of her siblings’ jackets while waiting to jump the border after sundown in a forest on the line between Washington and British Columbia.

Sheinbaum told her countrymen that she would send Trump a bill to pay for construction of a wall to keep Americans out.

“We will use the same non-stick surface on the U.S. side of the wall that we coat our frying pans with,” she declared. “Any Americans trying to climb illegally into Mexico will slide right back down into Texas where they belong.”

Trump issued a statement that he would offer a “deal” to Canada and Mexico to make it worth their while to accept the refugees. Trudeau and Sheinbaum both rejected the offer, citing Trump’s failure to honor deals he has made with countless contractors over the past several decades.